her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Jogging
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.