*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
these two trucks have the same bed length
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.