Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
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finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Some people were born into their job.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.