Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
calling in to work dehydrated
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it