“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Fight
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda