i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.