I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.