Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[eats all your cotton candy]
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*