[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
You Might Also Like
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.