I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
<—- homeless romantic
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
inside you are two wolves
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”