Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
In space, no one can hear…
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?