[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.