Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.