Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
lost dog
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
#MeanwhileinCanada
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
boat question
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.