[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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I wanna know why it鈥檚 embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he鈥檚 gaming. Like bro, they know you don鈥檛 live alone.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That鈥檒l be $25
Me: Here鈥檚 a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That鈥檒l be $24.84
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don鈥檛 know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won鈥檛 happen again.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it鈥檚 a long story, Bush鈥檚 Country Style Baked Beans
sin harder.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Here we go again. #MAsnow 鉂勶笍
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.