Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny