Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
You’ll be OK
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.