[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Growing out my freckles.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop