*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Yup!
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.