*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”