*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.