*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“Wait, let me explain..”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
This cat wants you to take your pills
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes