[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Duck typos.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?