*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!