@CornOnTheGoblin: [travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
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@100percent001: If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
@SheeeRatchet: Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.
@KentWGraham: My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
@mrtruthandsoul: "Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"