*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
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Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.