*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
lol
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him