Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I enjoy a good short stor
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”