Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You Might Also Like
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.