“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!