Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you