*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
You Might Also Like
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”