tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.