My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The “research” scene in every horror movie
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Digital security in Ancient Troy