Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO