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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist