Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it