[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My therapist after every session
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99