[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Saw your ex at the shops
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.