[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My dating profile:
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat