Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
You had me at “define legal”.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I see your IQ test came back negative
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”