Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad