Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.