Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.