Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I feel it
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.