Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
when mom throws a party…
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?