Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc