Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.