Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
This week’s mood.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I created you as mosquito food.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice