today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
You Might Also Like
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Things will get butter, keep churning
Inside you there are two wolves