Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.