@daemonic3: Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers' carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
@Fredzipfel: Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
@LizzieEMB: Turns out when you're a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout... *pizza dough plops on head*
@kchees: All the single ladies put your hands up! *handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff* I'm your only option now.