@daemonic3: Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers' carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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@MelvinofYork: My wife says "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" when 1. she's not talking, she's yelling, and 2. I'm not walking away, I'm retreating
@Sickayduh: [Lie detector] "You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?" - Yes *needle going nuts* "I, sir, have been owned"
@kwirkyKerri: The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy.
@Shock_Monster: HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for? Me: Fire My Lazy Ass? HR: ... Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that's inappropriate.